Supposedly

I'm lazy. I haven't written in this thing for almost a month. More like 2 and half weeks, but whatever. Supposedly I need to get on writing this post. My girlfriend was bitching cuz she has nothing to read. Lol.

Well nothing much is going on. My relationship has its ups and downs. Actually today was one of the first downs since we got back together. It all has to do with trust. Trust was broken on both ends. And well, lets just say I haven't healed all the way. I know I say I'm working on it and etc, but at the same time I still break down. My mind is conflicted within itself. I know that I trust her I'm sure I do. But I can't help being hurt when I feel things are being hidden or feel the tiniest bit suspicious. At this moment in time I honestly and sincerly cannot help it.

But all in all I am confident in our relationship. I have faith in us, I have faith in her, and most importantly I have faith in myself.

Good

Things are going good right now. Very very good. Better than most of you know or understand. So just take it as it is. Things are falling into place. I'm happy, healthy, and occupied. So, therefore I'm not sure what to post on. Hahaha, I usually post deep and sometimes saddening things. But not today. Today is good and grand and my life rocks. So there.

That Feeling

First off, let me say that I'm supposed to be doing school work right now. But I really had some stuff on my mind.

You know that feeling you sometimes get, in pit of your stomach or the center of your chest, that twinge that says something like "Hey, this isn't right", "What are they hiding?"or "Hello? Speak up!" Its also the same twinge that occurs when you know something bad, wrong, or troubling is going to happen. Well let it be known I get those twinges at least once a day. And up until a couple months ago I mostly didn't have any right to act on those twinges. Now a certain event has happened given those twinges meaning. Has given them prominence over my common sense. And shit do I hate it. I've been hurt, been hurt pretty fucking bad, and now I'm trying to heal. Well I'm not trying, I am healing. I've gotten all I needed to say out and I'm moving on. Hallelujah. Back to my point. The twinges for a couple months took over my common sense. And they still continue to do so. I find myself jumping to conclusions and being slightly suspicious. Can you blame me? Well, although at this time I can't help but feel sick or dizzy when they talk to her I sincerly plan and hope that those feelings will go away in time. They will receed into the back of my soul as I learn to believe and trust again. I was wounded. As my metaphorical laceration regenerates it's skin and tissue I am forced to wait and become optomistic that it doesn't get infected or ripped open again. I will heal in time. I'm hoping it doesn't take too long.

tum de tum

I have found myself at a calm. Things are falling into place yet again. I'm preparing for stress and being overwhelmed by the upcoming months. Sometimes there are things you just to need to suck up and trudge through, knowing that the end is somewhere in insight, however painful the journey there may be. However, with all the stress to come I am undoubtably calm, waiting for the next good thing to happen. I for see positive and pleasant weeks to come. I hope I'm correct.

understanding

I don't understand. How can you lay there and not even care to know how I feel? Not want to even know why I feel this way? You make me want to regret ever mentioning anything to you...EVER. It tortures me to keep it inside. To not tell you how I feel. I NEED to tell you, I HAVE to. And then I do. I spill my heart to you. And what do I get? Regret. Hot, burning regret. You never wanted to hear that, you didn't want to understand why I cry, why I hurt. You just wanted it to stop. Well guess what? In order for the crying and hurting to stop, I have to tell you. You need to know because if you don't know, then how are you/we supposed to cope? Suppose to heal? There are things that need to be taken off my chest. And I can't tell anyone but you. No one else understands, no one else was there, no one else is even supposed to know. The sad thing is that although you tell me you didn't want to know/hear that, I always feel that deep inside (in a part that even you may not realize on a conscious level) you need to know. What I say may bring on unwanted emotions and thoughts, but I still believe that knowing what I've told you helps. Being ignorant to the emotions of the one you love, I think, can have a devestating effect. (Exhibit A--me and you) I think I can live with not knowing what you think. Well I can live not know EVERYTHING you think. But I can't live not being able to tell you EVERYTHING I think. That's just how it is. There needs to be a comprimise. ASAP.

It Breaks

My heart. It breaks to think of how you could see another in that way. When all I could do is love you...think only of you, only of us. You were able to divide yourself. An unfinished split down the middle. One half still attach to me. The other to someone else. You were still whole (not quite fully detatched), still with me. But while one eye and 3/4 of your heart lay with me, the other looked around, and outward, you found another to give your attention to.

And now I find myself in tears. Thinking about it. Thinking about what happened. How it happened. Even now I can't seem to think of anyone but you. I try and try and try again. I want to take some of that guilt from you. The guilt for breaking my heart. I know that if I see another in that way it would help you. Make you feel just a little better. A little less guilty. I know this because your human. Everyone always feels a little better when the actions and situations that made them feel guilty are played out with the person who the guilt is for. They too are doing the thing that brought the guilt in the first place. It makes everything a tad easier.

There are so many things within myself that I can't ignore. I can't change the way I feel. I'm looking towards the divine spirit for guidance. I need to know that I'm not crazy.

la tee da

I swear when I set out to right this blog I actually had a topic, and purpose. Hell if I can remember. I suppose it had to do with feelings..It always has to do with feelings.

I hate feelings. Which brings me to some song lyrics.

"Feelings" Offspring
----well after reviewing the lyrics once again...ive realized that's not what i wanted. They were too full of hate for another person. I don't hate them, I hate my feelings. I wish I didn't have some of the one's I feel. They are suffocating me. Normally I wouldn't mind, normally my feelings are tolerable. It just seems that lately there are so many things I wish weren't so. My emotions inhibit me from feeling for others. I'm not sure if I'm supposed to or not. I try. Nothing. Maybe I'm meant to not be able to brush these feelings off. Maybe I'm supposed to have them, they validate my fate. Maybe. I don't know. Shit.

Holy shit

Wow wow wow....I haven't posted in almost a month! I'm super sorry about that, some really emotional times reared their ugly heads. And to tell you the truth...Posting didn't feel like a comfort. It felt like a reminder. Actually, it's reminding me now of things I'd rather not think about. But, alas, maybe it's a good thing.

I know that the very last post I wrote was of happy feelings. Turns out those happy feelings were influenced by someone pretending everything was ok. While I understand the intent, and the idea that they really thought everything was going to be ok, I was very hurt by the deceit. Because, of course, everything was not ok. Infact, everything was very very bad.

On the bright side, from then until now things have improved imensely. I am happier, more motivated, and looking forward with optomism. Although I cannot predict how the future will turn out, I do know that it will be fine. Things happen for a reason. In the end, everything is meant to be. The hardest part are the fine lines. There are so many fine lines, too many that can be broken, bent, and crossed. It's always complicated. GOD how I HATE things being so complicated. I wish it wasn't, but it is. Shit.

Tomorrow's another day with more hope and more love to share.

It's Been A While

So it has been a long time since I've written. Some major events have happened. I guess I will just leave it at that. I will say a few things about it though. I am really surprised on how well I can cope with a horrid situation. I recoverd fairly fast for having to endure this event. By no means am I healed. No, that will take a long time. I have however accepted to situation and understand why it happened. I will continue this later, I seem to have a bit of writer's block.

I'm Sick

I haven't posted in a couple days for two reasons. 1. I have a fucking cold. It sucks. 2. I've been spending some much needed time with the love of my life. Haha. Things for little bit felt as if they were falling apart. But in the end, love is love. You can't stifle or hide, or fully reject love. It is one of those things you honestly cannot deny. So, I love her. That is all there is to it. LOVE.

In the Mood

I'm not really in the mood to write about anything deep or thoughtful. Most of the deep thinking will be done this weekend. While multi-tasking and hanging out with people at the same time. I want to try and get out of the house at least once a day. Geez. So since this blog isn't going to contain any important information, I am going to post fun pictures for you all the see.

(at left) from PostSecret.

Silence Part II

Well I didn't post yesterday. Well I guess I really didn't have anything to write about. But today I think I have a new subject.

The other day I posted about how silence is something we all need sometimes. Well today I've realized something about myself that I've been denying for a while. I'm scared of silence. There it is. I've admitted it. Of course there are only certain parameters and situations that I feel scared of the silence. For instance, in one on one moments, I feel especially forced to create conversation. It is not that I feel the silence is awkard. It's more like I fear what goes on during the silence. I fear what that silence means. There is one thing that I certainly am and that is a "worst case scenario" girl. My horrible head always likes to jump to the worst case scenario. No scenic route in reasonable-ville for my head. Worst case scenario first, reasoning later. Now, I do (usually) get to reasonable-ville I just tend to spend a little too much time at worst case scenario.

Back to my point. I know that I shouldn't always feel obligated to create conversation. If someone wanted to talk they would. However, when someone tends to keep quiet during times I feel are appropiate for polite banter, I tend to see it as a bad sign. I know this is irrational. I know there isn't anything to fear. I just do. I can't help it. The silence gives me time to think (bad idea) which sends my mind into overdrive. I start thinking of all the reasons someone might not want to talk right now. All of which are bad, at first. Then I try reasoning with myself. "Silence shouldn't be uncomfortable, we know each other well, we just have nothing to say, their tired, it has nothing to do with me, I just need to leave them be." Although all these things (and more) are going through my head, it doesn't keep me from multi-tasking and freaking out at the same time. In the end, 95% of the time the silence has nothing to do with anything bad. It just happens, I guess.

I'm not sure how to handle this problem. Do I have an over active imagination? Are these the kind of things that drive people away? Am I completely insane? Why do I always skip to my worst fears? Why do I get stuck on those worst case scenarios? How do I stop it?

Silence

This evening I found myself yearning to be anywhere but inside the house. Emotions were high and I couldn't stand to be around it. I needed to give it time. I didn't want to stick around to be sucked into the negativity. So I left. I put on my swim suit and dived into the pool. I swam laps until I could barely breathe. Then I stopped. I rolled onto my back and just floated there. My ears were under water, but my eyes were above the water. I could see the sky, the clouds, the setting sun, and the trees. The really nice thing was that I couldn't hear anything. Only the sound of my pounding heart in my ears. I just floated, motionless, watching the clouds, breathing deep soothing breaths, listening to the steady rhythm of my heart. Sometimes I forget how theraputic silence can be. Nothing to distract you but your own thoughts. I watched clouds move effortlessly across the blue sky thinking to myself, "There hasn't been a cloud in the sky for so long, I've forgotten how much I enjoy them." The fact I actually had the mental capacity to conjur that thought was amazing. I've spent so much of my time lately thinking of such emotional and deep material that I thought I'd lost the ability to have petty useless thoughts. All in all, I've found new reasons for getting myself in the pool.

Once a Day

I have taken it upon myself to post at least once a day. I need to be consistent with this. I'm not consistent with anything. I say that I will swim laps everyday. But somehow I can usually figure out an excuse for not doing it. I'm too busy, I don't feel good, I'm on my period, etc. So, I am determined to stick to something. This blog is a good place to start. The only problem is thinking of a subject. So far I've been able to scrape together one. So today the subject is me not having a subject. I know, I'm a unique person. Haha. So this my first step towards becoming more consistent on my personal goals. Maybe keeping to this will help me with bigger things, like exercise and dieting. Only one way to find out.

A Sleep Spell

I've always fancied myself something of a Wiccan. Now I wouldn't actually ever classify myself into any organized religion. I believe that people should make up their own religions. Organized religions are good for those people who need that sense of community, people who need to know that other people believe the same thing they do. No need to explain themselves. But for me, and for a lot of other people out there, we don't need the community. We need to do what is right for us and only us. Having a religion that is already pre-developed doesn't sit well with me. There are too many holes and contridictions, it is too difficult to change it or let it evolve. (Let's face it, the world is stuck on tradition) So without a specific religion I am able to change it and adapt it however I choose and whenever I choose. And you know what? It works for me. I have morals and values. I know right from wrong. I do everything in my power to be the best person I can be, and I don't need a book or a leader to tell me that I am doing ok. It's something I can feel. Something I just know.

Onto what this was originally about. Last night I was laying in bed and I couldn't get to sleep. My mind was going a thousand miles per hour. So, with my background in Wiccan rituals and traditions I felt like a little spell would help me sleep. This is what I came up with:

I thank thee for sending love,
From the heavens high above.
Please calm my restless mind,
Let me sleep, my thoughts I bind.
So mote it be.


And this worked. I said it thrice and closed my eyes, imagining my thoughts being tied tightly into a bundle so they would stop moving around. Then I took a couple deep breathes and drifted off to sleep. I think I'll start using it every night.

Persuasion

Sometimes there are things that people randomly realize. Last night I had one of those moments. I was in the car driving home from an entertaining night at RAGE and I realized that no matter what I say (or anyone else says) you cannot change people's minds. The only person who can make the decision to change their mind or their behavior is themselves. When it comes down to it, all we can do is tell them how we feel and hope they take it to heart. Hope that what we say triggers something to make them want to change. In the end they are the sole dictator of their mind, body, and soul.

That reminds me, yesterday I was having a "catch up on things" lunch with a long time friend, and we got to talking about the future. Not really what is going to happen. Not exactly. I was telling her about my new philosophy. This philosophy is; to not worry about the future. I don't know what will happen tomorrow or next week. I have no idea how I will feel a month from now. The only things I have control over (for the future) is my education, and my body. There is no use in worrying about the future. All I need to care about is what is happening now and how I am feeling right now.

New Template

Well it was up. For a couple hours. And I decided it wasn't what I wanted. So back to same old same old. But I figure it's alright. At least my template won't be distracting from my posts!

New Template Search

I am on the quest to find a new template. I may be pretty knowledgable with the html shit (well at least more then most of my friends) but there is no way I can create my own template. Don't get me wrong the template I have now is...nice. I tricked it out a tad, like the header graphic I made, or the author tag graphic at the bottom of each post. But this is boring and in no way symbolizes the essence of my blog. Here is the first option I was looking at. --> I like the color but the Asian symbol in the right corner isn't me. I'm white.

Here is the next option --->
It is very beautiful, however I'm not sure how this template thing works. Are the words "never ending road" going to stay there? Or are my words "Create Yourself" going to take it's place. Only one way to find out! I tried it and the text doesn't change. So moving onto a new one.

Now this one is pretty cool. It fufills my need for mod. --->








I really like this one. It might be the winner. ---->
First I've got to see how it looks. So it doesn't work. The picture that I love doesn't even show up. What a jip. Onto the next one.




This one is cool. It is very creative, and I like creativity. --->








I really like this one as well. The tree is interesting.-->






I keep trying to get these suckers to work. But the previews aren't really helping at all. I tried to tree one with no luck. There was more words and unwanted buttons then the picture shows. Oivey.

Another Day

Do you ever notice how things tend to get, lets say, repetitive? Most people don't really notice this. Until it's gone. Well today is one of those days where I realize that my repetitive lifestyle (as in summer school) is about to end. A piece of my life that I have come accustomed to is about to disappear. This realization causes me to fret over my free time. Free time that I can use to get a job. I don't even want to get started on my job status. Well, I have been turned down for something around 10 jobs. I get interviews, I think they go great. No call. Ever. The one's I really care about I follow up and call. And call. And call. Get called back, they say that the one job position left doesn't need to be filled any more. Oivey. Back at square one. No job. Nothing. I can't blame all of this on them. I am being a little picky. As in I don't want to work in fast food, or any food service. I will not work at Magic Mountain ever again. I've done it twice and will never again. And I hate retail. So I'm a little picky. But I need a job that lets me focus on school. Since I'm trying to finish in four years. Which apparently is pretty much impossible now.

Your love is the fuel for my change

Let me just say that the title for this blog I pulled miracously out of my ass earlier today. It was interesting because when I typed it to my significant other, while online messaging, I was blown away at how poetic I had just been. "Your love is the fuel for my change", is a simple idea and statement. Oh, how true it is. I believe that relationships are meant to provide one person with another who is willing to tolerate, yet mention your faults. Now, if this other person means something very important to you, let's say you love them, then you are more likely and more motivated to get off your metaphoric ass and start changing yourself for the better.

I want to change for them. Actually, excuse me, I want to change because of them. You should never change yourself for another person. No matter what. However, I think that people can change themselves because they are inspired by someone else. In the example of myself, my significant other has never asked me to change, and they never will. They love me for the way I am, and that is definitely clear. However, I know there are many characteristics within myself (as I have mentioned previously) that need to be improved. These problem areas harm the relationship, and I do not want to ruin this relationship, therefore I am changing myself.

If a person is not willing or cannot see the characteristics that need improving, then the relationship and love is not strong enough or false. Love is the fuel for change among the human race. Love and remorse. Remorse also inhibits change, but that is a totally different blog.

Disneyland Castle Photoshop

Just a little something I whipped up on photoshop. The castle picture is from Disneyland, and was taken from www.visionfantastic.com. I just felt like a new desktop picture so I created one. Something that lets my mind wander and my eyes indulge.

Feel free to steal it and use it to brigthen up your desktop:)

Starting New

A lot can happen in a matter of a week. Things sometimes move faster then you are ever prepared for. All I can afford to understand right now is that I need to improve myself. Not only for me, but for others around me. Don't get me wrong, I am not some horrible person. There just happens to be a few key characteristics that I need some work on. I am by no means bagging on myself, because the truth is so many other people need to focus on improving themselves. I don't believe in the actually changing of one's "personality". I full heartily believe in always staying true to yourself. And I have lived that way for as long as I can remember. However, sometimes coming to a compromise (on your behavior) between yourself, society, and the one's you love, is in the best interest of everyone and does not lose your personality in the mean time.

Now, for me there are a few things that I have taken upon myself to improve/heal.

1. Trust - I recently made a very stupid decision and acquired some information that I really really did not need to know. (Yet could not tear myself away from aquiring all the information once started) And also the act of aquiring the information was a huge betrayal towards this other person. This information caused me to lose trust in someone I keep very close to my heart. The information aquired has since been justified and forgiven. Unfortunately, I am unable to feel the same amount of trust I once had in this person. I know there is nothing to be untrusting of, but I cannot shake the feeling of jealousy and secrecy. And therefore that is the reason I am self-improving this subject of me. I am working slowly yet consistantly towards healing the pain I caused myself by aquiring unwanted information. And I am hoping that by posting how I feel here I will be able to get thoughts that now plague me out onto something (mostly) tangible and concrete. Because the abstract ways of the mind sometimes need to be made concrete before they can be understood and overcome.


The next item of self-improvement will be explained in the next blog.