My Head

I just had a dream. What was in the dream is not important. But the basic premise of the dream is this;
The ex and I are fighting and yelling the entire dream. Then when something bad happens to me (this is the last few moments of the dream) she takes me in her arms.

Why must u do this to me? WHY? You know what I got to wake up to??? Tears. Hundreds of tears. No one is there to take me in their arms anymore. She isn't there anymore. I don't have my comforter, my strength, my love. FUCK. Get out of my dreams. Get out of my head! You are not helpful. This is not helping. Get out. Get out. GET OUT.

Happy Birthday to Me

So this is it. Finally 21. Damn. You think with my birthday still fresh in my mind I would have happier thoughts. Well I do have happy thoughts, I guess. Well maybe not "happy" but rather, luke warm, placid, nothing particularly sad, yet nothing really all that happy. Content.

Let me tell you a secret. I cried on my birthday. Yes it's true, on the drive home from a most glorious afternoon with my starshine, I cried. Pathetic, I know. All I could think was, I should of been spending this day with her, seeing that amazing show with her, ordering my first drink with her. FUCK. Fuck it all to hell. I wanted to be happy on my birthday...and I was, for a little while. It was great, and it was fun, and I got to spend it with an awesome person, but I couldn't help but yearn for something familiar, something comforting. Of course it had to be her.

2 years addicted to this drug, intertwined with this person, then one night POOF. Gone, forever. Now what?! I was under that spell, that drug pulsing through my veins, then cold turkey. What do you expect me to do? I'm going through withdrawls, something I never thought would happen to me. And the other night? Oh the other night. It was a relapse...I was near her again, I saw her again, in the flesh, that drug I had been addicted to for over 2 years. WAM! Relapse. Right there.

Fuck you, Brittany. How could you let it effect you? You are stronger than this. You know she doesn't want you, and you KNOW she doesn't love you, get over it. Get over HER.

Please don't expect me to be ok. Please don't expect me to censor myself. Because I won't. And I REFUSE. I am who I am, take it or leave it. If you can't handle this censor yourself. Because I will not do it for you.

Good Morning Starshine

So it's been over a month, almost two. And I'm feeling much better about life. I'm meeting new people, talking to new girls and loving it! I've never been a part of this single scene and its confusing as hell. I didn't know what I wanted for a while, and honestly I'm still trying to figure it out further. As each day and each experience passes through my life I check off different things that I definitely do not want, and things that I do. I'm learning new boundaries within myself, things that I can handle and things that I can't. I'm sorry to those who were caught in the middle of my search. It hasn't been until recently that I'm truly sorting this all out. I was left so jumbled and lost, faith broken, but now I'm finding myself and restoring my faith.

So basically life is better and I'm looking forward to some fun times this Tuesday :-D Not to say that I still don't get sad, usually at night, right before I fall asleep, the time when the most thoughts run through your head. And for me...I'm not quite sure whether I miss her....or if I miss it...I guess that is one more thing I will be finding out as each day passes.

I Refuse

I refuse to be that pathetic fuck. The pathetic fuck who can't seem to let go. I refuse to rush back to them and profess my undying love, and how I miss them, and beg for them back. I will NOT be that pathetic fuck. I WILL move on, and I WILL stay strong. I refuse to let this rule my life. I refuse to be sad and depressed years from now over someone who is so obviously over me. I refuse to feel obligated to like someone because they like me (not again). I refuse to let myself slip in academic laziness. I refuse to settle, or lower my standards because I feel that I am sub par. Publish

Unsure, unstable

Please, make it stop. This is more than I can handle. Stop clouding me, it have ruined me. Ruined me for others, ruined things for me, ruined, ruined, RUINED. I don't want to be ruined, I want to be ok, I want to know with confidence that I will not break down, I will not freak out. My chest it burns, palpitates, melting within the walls. Yet, I smile, and laugh, the great actress that I am. The truth is, alone, in my car, in the shower, it hits me now and again, rushing, blazing, swallowing me. I fight and I struggle trying to hold back, but I can't. I want to forget that night, I don't want to think about what was said, or how it felt, things that mislead me, leaving me almost completely surprised and crushed.

However, I'm not completely broken, I have good times, I have bright moments, I'm not sad and depressed all the time. I've met some great people, people who make me feel good, make me feel beautiful, which I was sure would not happen again. And of course, there are my friends, which unfortunately I do not get to see as much as I would like. Distractions are welcome, yet I'm not sure if they help. If I'm distracted does it just deter my healing?

Maybe I just need some new companion ship......

A new kind of stuck

I'm stuck, once again. But not the same kind of stuck as before. This is emotional. Mental. Something like that. I am the kind of person who wants to reveal everything all the time. I'm open and I want people to know how I feel. This doesn't mean that I spew my secrets to everyone who walks down the street. When I care for someone I want them to know what I'm thinking, and to know what I'm feeling. Yet, right now, I can't do that. I've been asked (repeatedly) not to do that. So now, after hearing some things that have really upset and made me a vile combination of depression and seething anger, I can't tell them. It kills me to not be able to divulge my feelings, my thoughts, yet at the same time they want me to I was under a certain impression which is now shattered, dismembered on the floor of depression. This popping of my proverbial bubble not only sent me to tears, but made me angry. I was LIED to. I have been being LIED to. It wasn't better, it wasn't different, I wasn't someone special. At least not as they had said, not as I had perceived. So yes, I'm pissed off. I'm hurt behind recognition. The worst part of it all? I don't know how to deal. Is it just time? I've tried time before, and it turns out its wasn't even time at all, I had shoved it aside. How do I know if I'm getting better? I don't know how to fall out of love. Someone please! Tell me how to fall out of love. Cuz this love is suffocating me, immobilizing me, making it so hard to do a god damn thing.

So that's why I'm stuck. I have feelings that I can't tell, and emotions I don't know how to be rid of. No way to move in either direction. Fuck.

Drama

Ok, I'll admit it. I'm dramatic. The hard part is that I don't realize I'm being dramatic until it's over. Then I look back and say "What the fuck?" God! I hate that I do that to myself and to her. It is not good for me, I work myself up over stupid shit and send myself in a tizzy. Which of course does not feel good and probably has some sort of lasting mental effect. Geezus. The point is that I need to calm the fuck down and not sweat the small stuff as my mom told me. I know I just upset her and make things worse...

Also, still working on the foot in mouth action. I still haven't mastered that. I tend to say things, then after they are said realize that it is just going to upset her and she is going to think all sorts of bad things, and I of all people DO NOT want that. I guess in the end I will always love her and she will always love me, and I will still be here when she gets home.

Thicker Skin

I've come to terms with things. I finally realize what the fuck my problem is. In 2nd grade I made up my mind that no one will hurt me anymore. I had been tormented long enough. So from there I started growing a thicker skin, building my guard, letting things roll off my back, so to speak. For the next 10 years that skin was my life saver, I relied on it to get me through the week. Then along came a woman, a woman who made me feel good, wonderful. I trust her, I feel beautiful with her, I feel confident. My worries melted away, there was no need for that thick skin, I was safe.

It's not what you're thinking, she did not break my heart. I'm still very much in love and I still feel beautiful, when I'm with her. There in point lies the problem. I feel beautiful and safe, when I'm with her. I was spoiled by her, she thinks I'm beautiful, she thinks I'm desirable and that was all that mattered. Now that we are opening horizons, trying new things, these outside influences take me back to times before my skin thickened. My comfortable bubble was burst. To the world in general, I am not as valued, not as beautiful as my counter part. And the truth is, I knew that, I know that, but for such a long time I was not forced to think about it. I was in a safe and beautiful bubble, our own little world where we were both equal, both beautiful, both desired.

So I get it, I'm fat. Big deal. I am no where near the ideal body type for American women. But it is never more apparent then when I am searching for women to date. Dating is a cruel world, yet an eye opening one. I have never had standards, or preferences. I suppose it's time to realize these things, to know what is appropriate to aim for. I was under the impression that I could get women like the one I now hold close to my heart, unfortunately this isn't true. My woman is a one of a kind, once in a lifetime woman. She is like no other woman out there, accepting, loving, caring.

All this just shows me that I am outside my comfort zone, and that's ok. This will be good for me, for us. I will grow that thicker skin, yet again, and I will find my nitch (sp?), I will create my standards, and I will learn my preferences. All in good time, I will be ok, I can and I will pick myself up.

Ugh

Why do I feel left behind? She hasn't exactly gone anywhere. I'm upset over so many different things. I'm sad because I never wanted to realize how shallow the world is, especially how shallow girls are. I always defended the females, saying they weren't as shallow as men, because they understand more about body image. But I guess I was wrong. I don't like being wrong. HA. It is flattering to know that I can be sexually attractive. But at the same time its demeaning, what am I, a piece of meat? I'll admit it is a little bit of a confidence booster, however when one plan after another is canceled or girls just stop talking to me, it makes me feel like crap. Then when girls flock to her and all want to meet up with her, how am I supposed to feel? I know I shouldn't compare myself, but I do. Its in the girl nature. I'm scared that they will fall for her, I know she won't fall for them, but still... Well, I'm just ranting. I'll be over it soon.

Holy Shit

It has been a veeeerrrrry long time since I have posted here. And lets just say that I'm lazy. Because I admit it, its true, I am quite lazy. Its a fault of mine, that at times depresses me. But alas, I move on as usual and charge, or meander, towards another day.

Um, so I suppose this is the point where I update my non-existent readers of my where abouts. Let us see.....I'm still with my lovely girlfriend, we, like any other couple, have our ups and downs, and I can say as of right now the ups surpass the downs, which is extraordinary. Our lives have become quite complicated. However this is by choice and believed to, in the end, help not only our relationship, but ourselves. Unfortunately, one problem has surfaced and it is, well, unknowingly unpleasant (If that makes sense). I guess you can call it something of a rut. A routine, or perhaps lack of one, that presumes to bore its participants. It is by no means an insult to the people who orbit within this rut, which I admit I took it that way at first. It is more of a yearning for something new and something productive (dare I say).

So it seems that I, as well as she, are in a rut. We want new friends (not replacements), new chances for or newly complicated relationship, and some new activities for our routine (perhaps school needs to start..lol). Well it looks like I will be coming back to post my progress, if there is any.

Supposedly

I'm lazy. I haven't written in this thing for almost a month. More like 2 and half weeks, but whatever. Supposedly I need to get on writing this post. My girlfriend was bitching cuz she has nothing to read. Lol.

Well nothing much is going on. My relationship has its ups and downs. Actually today was one of the first downs since we got back together. It all has to do with trust. Trust was broken on both ends. And well, lets just say I haven't healed all the way. I know I say I'm working on it and etc, but at the same time I still break down. My mind is conflicted within itself. I know that I trust her I'm sure I do. But I can't help being hurt when I feel things are being hidden or feel the tiniest bit suspicious. At this moment in time I honestly and sincerly cannot help it.

But all in all I am confident in our relationship. I have faith in us, I have faith in her, and most importantly I have faith in myself.

Good

Things are going good right now. Very very good. Better than most of you know or understand. So just take it as it is. Things are falling into place. I'm happy, healthy, and occupied. So, therefore I'm not sure what to post on. Hahaha, I usually post deep and sometimes saddening things. But not today. Today is good and grand and my life rocks. So there.

That Feeling

First off, let me say that I'm supposed to be doing school work right now. But I really had some stuff on my mind.

You know that feeling you sometimes get, in pit of your stomach or the center of your chest, that twinge that says something like "Hey, this isn't right", "What are they hiding?"or "Hello? Speak up!" Its also the same twinge that occurs when you know something bad, wrong, or troubling is going to happen. Well let it be known I get those twinges at least once a day. And up until a couple months ago I mostly didn't have any right to act on those twinges. Now a certain event has happened given those twinges meaning. Has given them prominence over my common sense. And shit do I hate it. I've been hurt, been hurt pretty fucking bad, and now I'm trying to heal. Well I'm not trying, I am healing. I've gotten all I needed to say out and I'm moving on. Hallelujah. Back to my point. The twinges for a couple months took over my common sense. And they still continue to do so. I find myself jumping to conclusions and being slightly suspicious. Can you blame me? Well, although at this time I can't help but feel sick or dizzy when they talk to her I sincerly plan and hope that those feelings will go away in time. They will receed into the back of my soul as I learn to believe and trust again. I was wounded. As my metaphorical laceration regenerates it's skin and tissue I am forced to wait and become optomistic that it doesn't get infected or ripped open again. I will heal in time. I'm hoping it doesn't take too long.

tum de tum

I have found myself at a calm. Things are falling into place yet again. I'm preparing for stress and being overwhelmed by the upcoming months. Sometimes there are things you just to need to suck up and trudge through, knowing that the end is somewhere in insight, however painful the journey there may be. However, with all the stress to come I am undoubtably calm, waiting for the next good thing to happen. I for see positive and pleasant weeks to come. I hope I'm correct.

understanding

I don't understand. How can you lay there and not even care to know how I feel? Not want to even know why I feel this way? You make me want to regret ever mentioning anything to you...EVER. It tortures me to keep it inside. To not tell you how I feel. I NEED to tell you, I HAVE to. And then I do. I spill my heart to you. And what do I get? Regret. Hot, burning regret. You never wanted to hear that, you didn't want to understand why I cry, why I hurt. You just wanted it to stop. Well guess what? In order for the crying and hurting to stop, I have to tell you. You need to know because if you don't know, then how are you/we supposed to cope? Suppose to heal? There are things that need to be taken off my chest. And I can't tell anyone but you. No one else understands, no one else was there, no one else is even supposed to know. The sad thing is that although you tell me you didn't want to know/hear that, I always feel that deep inside (in a part that even you may not realize on a conscious level) you need to know. What I say may bring on unwanted emotions and thoughts, but I still believe that knowing what I've told you helps. Being ignorant to the emotions of the one you love, I think, can have a devestating effect. (Exhibit A--me and you) I think I can live with not knowing what you think. Well I can live not know EVERYTHING you think. But I can't live not being able to tell you EVERYTHING I think. That's just how it is. There needs to be a comprimise. ASAP.

It Breaks

My heart. It breaks to think of how you could see another in that way. When all I could do is love you...think only of you, only of us. You were able to divide yourself. An unfinished split down the middle. One half still attach to me. The other to someone else. You were still whole (not quite fully detatched), still with me. But while one eye and 3/4 of your heart lay with me, the other looked around, and outward, you found another to give your attention to.

And now I find myself in tears. Thinking about it. Thinking about what happened. How it happened. Even now I can't seem to think of anyone but you. I try and try and try again. I want to take some of that guilt from you. The guilt for breaking my heart. I know that if I see another in that way it would help you. Make you feel just a little better. A little less guilty. I know this because your human. Everyone always feels a little better when the actions and situations that made them feel guilty are played out with the person who the guilt is for. They too are doing the thing that brought the guilt in the first place. It makes everything a tad easier.

There are so many things within myself that I can't ignore. I can't change the way I feel. I'm looking towards the divine spirit for guidance. I need to know that I'm not crazy.

la tee da

I swear when I set out to right this blog I actually had a topic, and purpose. Hell if I can remember. I suppose it had to do with feelings..It always has to do with feelings.

I hate feelings. Which brings me to some song lyrics.

"Feelings" Offspring
----well after reviewing the lyrics once again...ive realized that's not what i wanted. They were too full of hate for another person. I don't hate them, I hate my feelings. I wish I didn't have some of the one's I feel. They are suffocating me. Normally I wouldn't mind, normally my feelings are tolerable. It just seems that lately there are so many things I wish weren't so. My emotions inhibit me from feeling for others. I'm not sure if I'm supposed to or not. I try. Nothing. Maybe I'm meant to not be able to brush these feelings off. Maybe I'm supposed to have them, they validate my fate. Maybe. I don't know. Shit.

Holy shit

Wow wow wow....I haven't posted in almost a month! I'm super sorry about that, some really emotional times reared their ugly heads. And to tell you the truth...Posting didn't feel like a comfort. It felt like a reminder. Actually, it's reminding me now of things I'd rather not think about. But, alas, maybe it's a good thing.

I know that the very last post I wrote was of happy feelings. Turns out those happy feelings were influenced by someone pretending everything was ok. While I understand the intent, and the idea that they really thought everything was going to be ok, I was very hurt by the deceit. Because, of course, everything was not ok. Infact, everything was very very bad.

On the bright side, from then until now things have improved imensely. I am happier, more motivated, and looking forward with optomism. Although I cannot predict how the future will turn out, I do know that it will be fine. Things happen for a reason. In the end, everything is meant to be. The hardest part are the fine lines. There are so many fine lines, too many that can be broken, bent, and crossed. It's always complicated. GOD how I HATE things being so complicated. I wish it wasn't, but it is. Shit.

Tomorrow's another day with more hope and more love to share.

It's Been A While

So it has been a long time since I've written. Some major events have happened. I guess I will just leave it at that. I will say a few things about it though. I am really surprised on how well I can cope with a horrid situation. I recoverd fairly fast for having to endure this event. By no means am I healed. No, that will take a long time. I have however accepted to situation and understand why it happened. I will continue this later, I seem to have a bit of writer's block.

I'm Sick

I haven't posted in a couple days for two reasons. 1. I have a fucking cold. It sucks. 2. I've been spending some much needed time with the love of my life. Haha. Things for little bit felt as if they were falling apart. But in the end, love is love. You can't stifle or hide, or fully reject love. It is one of those things you honestly cannot deny. So, I love her. That is all there is to it. LOVE.