Thicker Skin

I've come to terms with things. I finally realize what the fuck my problem is. In 2nd grade I made up my mind that no one will hurt me anymore. I had been tormented long enough. So from there I started growing a thicker skin, building my guard, letting things roll off my back, so to speak. For the next 10 years that skin was my life saver, I relied on it to get me through the week. Then along came a woman, a woman who made me feel good, wonderful. I trust her, I feel beautiful with her, I feel confident. My worries melted away, there was no need for that thick skin, I was safe.

It's not what you're thinking, she did not break my heart. I'm still very much in love and I still feel beautiful, when I'm with her. There in point lies the problem. I feel beautiful and safe, when I'm with her. I was spoiled by her, she thinks I'm beautiful, she thinks I'm desirable and that was all that mattered. Now that we are opening horizons, trying new things, these outside influences take me back to times before my skin thickened. My comfortable bubble was burst. To the world in general, I am not as valued, not as beautiful as my counter part. And the truth is, I knew that, I know that, but for such a long time I was not forced to think about it. I was in a safe and beautiful bubble, our own little world where we were both equal, both beautiful, both desired.

So I get it, I'm fat. Big deal. I am no where near the ideal body type for American women. But it is never more apparent then when I am searching for women to date. Dating is a cruel world, yet an eye opening one. I have never had standards, or preferences. I suppose it's time to realize these things, to know what is appropriate to aim for. I was under the impression that I could get women like the one I now hold close to my heart, unfortunately this isn't true. My woman is a one of a kind, once in a lifetime woman. She is like no other woman out there, accepting, loving, caring.

All this just shows me that I am outside my comfort zone, and that's ok. This will be good for me, for us. I will grow that thicker skin, yet again, and I will find my nitch (sp?), I will create my standards, and I will learn my preferences. All in good time, I will be ok, I can and I will pick myself up.