A couple things

I've noticed a lot of people finding themselves someone. People are falling in love, falling in lust, finding some fun. Now you know me, I tend to be a content person by nature, I don't want to complain, and I really haven't complained in a while. (I mean, look at how long it has been since I wrote a blog!) But seriously...is there something wrong with me? I never seem to get anywhere. Girl after girl, date after date. No one wants anything more than that. I like a girl...I tell her...she likes me too! Now what? Wait, excuse me? You don't want a relationship? Well shit. Back to the beginning. Dead end after dead end. I'm either not relationship material or I end of getting forgotten or ignored all together. So I guess this is my way of saying..."HELLO?!?! I'M RIGHT HERE!" Please tell me WTF is wrong with me...I would really like to know, how it is so easy for everyone else but me?

Ok so I guess that is done. Ranting over, whining over.

Next thing...

Have you ever felt that there was one who got away? I've heard the phrase for all my life. But I've really been thinking about it. I think I may of encountered the one who got away. Someone I could of truly loved. Someone who was not only a friend, but a potential girl friend. However, I shouldn't blame myself for this, because I tried...oh how I tried. She was so resistant, and I didn't want to force it. But honestly...GAH. I can't do it anymore. I gave up, stopped trying...and now it has become clear, she isn't coming back. And there is nothing more I can say then, I think she got away. She is the one that got away. Well, oh well. I'm done. Moving on.

I find it quite appropriate

Today, well you know what today is. Let it be known, this will be the first year I have EVER disliked (well, hated) this day. Some of you may think it shouldn't be a big deal, it's just another day, right? No its not. This day is tainted for me, severely tainted. And I'm going to tell you why.

So this day last year was the last day I felt everything was alright. The last time I saw them. Saw them for what I believed them to be. For what I believed it all to be. Five days went by, five days of doubt, five days of longing, mis-communication, lies.

Five days passed, then my entire world fell away. I wasn't loved. I was no longer wanted.

So excuse me for being a tad bitter today.

I think it is justified.

Yet again

Its about time, once again, to give up. I can't drop anymore hints, and be "topic dodged" again. I like them, they like me. Now what?

This is bullshit. I shouldn't have to deal with this.

I deserve that person who will take the steps with me. Instead of me taking the steps and pulling them forward. I want someone who will try as hard as I do to make something work.

Its a strange pattern that happens. I like a girl, get the balls to tell her, she likes me too, BUT doesn't want a relationship with me. Now what?!

On top of that, I don't wait for these girls, I still date (among other things), and I get flack for having a little fun, putting some new experiences under my belt. But I will NOT wait around while we "crush" on each other. I am a very monogamous person, I will be loyal to the end, but when something isn't going ANYWHERE, no one should expect me to stand still.

I want a relationship, its something I've come to realize in the past couple months. However, I'm not going to settle for just whoever is the first willing to be in a relationship with me.

I have no control of who I "like", I wish I did. Otherwise I would be getting crushes on those who get crushes on me.

Gah.

Goodbye

I really love this song by Daughtry "Over You" I decided to post the lyrics and the song, then explain a little to as of why it works for me. (I've always hated when someone would post lyrics then never explain why they posted it. So here I will actually explain.

Now that it's all said and done,
I can't believe you were the one
To build me up and tear me down,
Like an old abandoned house.
What you said when you left
Just left me cold and out of breath.
I fell too far, was in way too deep.
Guess I let you get the best of me.

I really did let it all get the best of me. I let myself believe the lies I told myself for so very long. They built me up so high, made me feel so sexy, so brilliant, so good, then tore me down with a few thought out words, ("I do not love you as a companion anymore") and lie.

Well, I never saw it coming.
I should've started running
A long, long time ago.
And I never thought I'd doubt you,
I'm better off without you
More than you, more than you know.

I really should of seen this coming. The really sad thing is that I did. I felt it happening, I saw the future, I approached them about it and what happened? I was shot down. Made to believe I was being crazy. Made to feel once again that I was being irrational. They made me feel CRAZY. I am better off with out them. I no longer feel crazy, I no longer feel like I am struggling to pull them out of their shell, pull them to telling me what's inside.

I'm slowly getting closure.
I guess it's really over.
I'm finally getting better.
And now I'm picking up the pieces.
I'm spending all of these years
Putting my heart back together.
Cause the day I thought I'd never get through,
I got over you.

I am over you. Seriously. I have my closure, I have been told a new piece to my tragic story. A piece that I spent time defending. I DEFENDED them. I DEFENDED the person who lied to me, the person who assured me it wasn't "this" way. Oh, but it was. How fucking true that it was. I told so many that it wasn't that way, because they told me it wasn't. But it FUCKING WAS.

You took a hammer to these walls,
Dragged the memories down the hall,
Packed your bags and walked away.
There was nothing I could say.
And when you slammed the front door shut,
A lot of others opened up,
So did my eyes so I could see
That you never were the best for me.

They did destroy me. I let them ruin so many things for way too long. They walked away, and I actually thank them for that. BUT, they should have walked away 2 months earlier. They left, and now I'm free. I have so many doors opened, so many options for my taking. They were never the best for me. They were the best at times, but never the best for me.



Goodbye. I'm over you.

Fucked Up

This is two part blog. First part, my totally fucked up dream. This dream literally made me wake up about to have a panic attack. In my dream she was there. She somehow convince all her "friends" to be part of some sort of experiment. She made them do all sorts of crazy shit like setting this house on fire, and trying to pull it down, something about the pool. Anywho, the point is that all there people were doing things that were dangerous.

So somehow I get it to stop. And as she is leaving I stop her and start yelling. Then somehow she is in my car and im driving and she is in the back seat all nonchalant while I'm screaming my head off. "Are you fucking insane?!?" "What the fuck were you thinking?!?!" "You could of killed someone?!?!" Shit like that.

(Oh wait, before all the craziness I remember talking to my friends and we were saying how the replacement is dressing like a boy now, and being called a boy in public. Which was really really random.)

And then I woke up. All riled up, pissed off, and about to have a panic attack. And I don't get panic attacks. It was seriously fucked up. If you know how to interpret dreams, please tell me.





Part Two:
As I'm sure some of you read. I'm walking away. I like her, alot. But this is too much, too hard. I am here. I am ready, boy am I ready. And yet I sit waiting, wanting. No more. It's my turn to lay back and let someone come to me. If she isn't gonna try neither am I. I know I'm being overshadowed by someone who is more available. Available as in socially available. I'm busy with school and work. And the time that I have she doesn't. I'm monogamous and can't help it. And when I see signs of someone else she likes more, I get discouraged. I'm lame I know. Just wanted to get it out.

To Pursue or Not Pursue

I am pursued. Yes I do believe I am. The hard part is...that I want others more :( I may have options, but they are not what I choose first. Humph. Its a little bit of an ironic situation, the girls I want don't seem to choose me first, and the girls that want me aren't my first choice. (well not all, but a few) Oy. Decisions decisions.

I'm starting to accept the loss of a few girls. I'm an no longer in the front of their minds, however they are in the front of mine. But I will live and let live. Let go. I can do that. I will do that.

Shake it off. You're ok.

Not Down

What the hell? I've said before and I will say it again... I hate assumptions. They are never any good.

I thought hard about posting this blog. I know they will read it...and I know they will probably be pissed. But wait...do I care? Not particularly. I'm done. I've moved on. Anything I've done for the past 3 or 4 months and will do from here on out, has absolutely nothing to do with them. My actions, my decisions, are my own, and are not based on anyone but ME.

I do not even think about you, or what you want. Because I do not care anymore. I am happy without you. I have a shitload of friends, people who care for me, people who will be there for me, people who I can talk to. People who, if there is a problem I can approach them and know they can approach me. I have girls that make me feel good, make me feel special, and I do the same for them. I am dating, flirting, and guess what? I'm good at it ;) Haha.

I am who I want to be. I say what I want, I am not ashamed or afraid. I spent 2 years saying things that didn't want to be heard. I'm telling you now, piss off. If you think that you did nothing to make me upset...you are playing me. I have self control, and I do not divulge everything that I know. And I do not divulge what I wanted to, because you are doing enough damage to yourself. I am bigger and better than you will ever be. I'm sorry.

Wanted

Ok so I've been seriously considering what I need in another relationship. Based on my one and only past relationship and some learning experience with my new indeavors, I have concluded some things that I NEED.

Someone open, who can tell me everything just as I confide everything in them.
Someone completely and totally out of the closest, no more avoiding the subject at work, or at school, or with your friends, or with family.
Someone who enjoys my friends.
Someone who doesn't get easily irritated.
Someone who will make time for me.
Someone who will make just as much effort as I make.
Someone who respects themselves.
Someone who can laugh at themself.
Someone who can stand up for themself.
Someone not afriad to be themselves, sexuality and all.
Someone who accepts me for me, every little piece.

I'm sure there is more. I will add more as I think of them.

Pergatory

I'm in limbo. On many things, with a few people. For a while limbo was alright, it was acceptable, even preferrable. But now? I'm finding myself wanting those definite answers, something solid, something sure. Does she like me? Does she want me? Are we ready to do more than "let things be"? I know I am, but is she? How do I go about asking? If I ask will she pull away? Am I the only one she wants right now? Is she the only one I want right now? Can I afford to let myself only feel for this one girl? Or should I allow myself to feel for others, others who may be more obtainable? Others who already seem to like me? I've been single for a while, and I mean single single. No nothing. (get it?) Well the point is, I'm done being single single. I want to get something more, do something more. I have an idea of who, maybe more than one who. It will be a year in Feb. A whole freaking year. I'm sick of this. I have not really been living the "single" life. Or at least the fun single life. So many dead ends. Or just dead beats. Oy.

Well I got options. Time to hop on those options. Time to get the ball rolling. Get your shit together Brittany. Take a risk. Steal a kiss. See what happens.

Thanks

This has been quite an experience. I have done things I would of never done before. Things that my old self would of resisted. I am freer than I thought could be possible after such a devestating situation. So basically what I wanted to say is, thanks. By no means is what happened ok, but I do thank you. I am better, stronger, sexier, confident. I am not crazy as you once made me feel, I'm not some overly emotional wreck. I let go and I moved on. Yay for me. Thank you for an amazing summer.

I cannot

I've found some old urges, shadows of my former self. The former self that wanted to know too much, was inquisitive beyond normal. I'm over thinking and not relaxing. I need to just let it be, I'm single, they're single. Although they always seem to make me feel special, always make me feel like they really like me. But they talk of others, kisses others, not sure there is room for me. But they also need a friend...and I will be that friend.

I cannot go snooping (no matter how innocent it feels). I cannot think more into this than what is laid down before me. They like me that's all I need to know. If it goes beyond liking and flirting I shall deal with my emotions then. I must take what they say to me at face value, because there is no reason to mistrust other otherwise.

I like them, alot. But I will be patient, and I will wait.

Intune

In tune and at peace. For the first time in probably years. I have fallen back in love with the nature around me and within me. I can't explain why or when it happened, it just did. I can sense the world, I can sense the vibrancy of every living thing. It is truly awe inspiring. I am more in tune with my empathic talents since realizing I even had them. I probably sound like some crazy tree hugger, which I guess I am. But don't knock it till you try (or experience it). It doesn't sound crazy when it helps so much.

The earth is a powerful being, a being that energy flows from, a being that when need be energy can be borrowed from. I borrow energy from the earth using it to heal myself, to better myself. I understand me and what I must do to be the best person I can be. I understand others and know how to help them (with their permission of course). I know that helping others helps me, there is no better a feeling than giving a friend consolation.

In this time of connection I devised a very nice form of meditation. So for me 3 or 4 readers, if you want a nice way to clear your head here is how I do it.

Lay down or sit down, which ever is most comfortable.
Close your eyes and concentrate on your breathing, counting about 20 breathes.
After relaxing yourself efficently starting from your toes, start concentrating and recognizing what each piece of you is touching. (whether its another body part, your clothing, the floor, a couch, the sheets, whatever it might be) Just concentrate on how its touching, how much pressure, the texture, how big of an area, etc. And slowly work your way up to your head. Then count your breathes for 20 more than its up to you whether you conclude it there or just rest in that cleared state of mind.

Let me know what you think if you try it :)

Momma Says

Mothers around the world have said time and time again "If you don't have anything nice to say than don't say anything at all." Unfortunately, I don't have anything nice to say. But I don't have anything mean to say either. It's more of a realization, a wish, an observation. Guess I'm not really sure what it is. Haha. Well here goes...

I hope you have learned from your mistakes. All I hope is you have learned. I hope you have learned to only base your actions on feelings, not familiarity or habit. Stop, evaluate, before you proceed. Does what you say and what you do coincide with how you feel? No? Don't do it, don't say it. End of story. Even non-malicious, even unknowning, lies cause pain. But I have a habit you should pick up, stop, think, evaluate. Although you were unaware of the fallacies you spouted, they were fallacies none-the-less. Lies that rip, lies that lead a falsehood, a false reality. No one wants their perceptioin of reality broken. So I hope you learned something from this.

Nothing is forever. No one deserves fragmented love.

Fine

I supposedly need to start posting more. Haha. So here it is. The truth is that I haven't posted because I haven't been inspired to do so. Thing are going very well actually. I've stopped crying, I barely think about it, and when I do tears don't well in my eyes. In fact I have been so busy having fun and getting to know some really awesome people that I haven't really thought about it at all. I kept the pledge to myself, the pledge to not let this isolate me. I get up and I call people, I invite people out, make plans, go to parties, anything and everything I did before her...as well as things that I've never done before. I'm so grateful for the new people in my life, they make me feel great, and give me the confidence I need to be me. It's been a great feeling knowing that I can just call up an old friend, or even an acquaintance and invite them to hang, and guess what? They do. Yay :)

I'm not lonely, I'm not depressed, and I'm having a blast. So there.

My Head

I just had a dream. What was in the dream is not important. But the basic premise of the dream is this;
The ex and I are fighting and yelling the entire dream. Then when something bad happens to me (this is the last few moments of the dream) she takes me in her arms.

Why must u do this to me? WHY? You know what I got to wake up to??? Tears. Hundreds of tears. No one is there to take me in their arms anymore. She isn't there anymore. I don't have my comforter, my strength, my love. FUCK. Get out of my dreams. Get out of my head! You are not helpful. This is not helping. Get out. Get out. GET OUT.

Happy Birthday to Me

So this is it. Finally 21. Damn. You think with my birthday still fresh in my mind I would have happier thoughts. Well I do have happy thoughts, I guess. Well maybe not "happy" but rather, luke warm, placid, nothing particularly sad, yet nothing really all that happy. Content.

Let me tell you a secret. I cried on my birthday. Yes it's true, on the drive home from a most glorious afternoon with my starshine, I cried. Pathetic, I know. All I could think was, I should of been spending this day with her, seeing that amazing show with her, ordering my first drink with her. FUCK. Fuck it all to hell. I wanted to be happy on my birthday...and I was, for a little while. It was great, and it was fun, and I got to spend it with an awesome person, but I couldn't help but yearn for something familiar, something comforting. Of course it had to be her.

2 years addicted to this drug, intertwined with this person, then one night POOF. Gone, forever. Now what?! I was under that spell, that drug pulsing through my veins, then cold turkey. What do you expect me to do? I'm going through withdrawls, something I never thought would happen to me. And the other night? Oh the other night. It was a relapse...I was near her again, I saw her again, in the flesh, that drug I had been addicted to for over 2 years. WAM! Relapse. Right there.

Fuck you, Brittany. How could you let it effect you? You are stronger than this. You know she doesn't want you, and you KNOW she doesn't love you, get over it. Get over HER.

Please don't expect me to be ok. Please don't expect me to censor myself. Because I won't. And I REFUSE. I am who I am, take it or leave it. If you can't handle this censor yourself. Because I will not do it for you.

Good Morning Starshine

So it's been over a month, almost two. And I'm feeling much better about life. I'm meeting new people, talking to new girls and loving it! I've never been a part of this single scene and its confusing as hell. I didn't know what I wanted for a while, and honestly I'm still trying to figure it out further. As each day and each experience passes through my life I check off different things that I definitely do not want, and things that I do. I'm learning new boundaries within myself, things that I can handle and things that I can't. I'm sorry to those who were caught in the middle of my search. It hasn't been until recently that I'm truly sorting this all out. I was left so jumbled and lost, faith broken, but now I'm finding myself and restoring my faith.

So basically life is better and I'm looking forward to some fun times this Tuesday :-D Not to say that I still don't get sad, usually at night, right before I fall asleep, the time when the most thoughts run through your head. And for me...I'm not quite sure whether I miss her....or if I miss it...I guess that is one more thing I will be finding out as each day passes.

I Refuse

I refuse to be that pathetic fuck. The pathetic fuck who can't seem to let go. I refuse to rush back to them and profess my undying love, and how I miss them, and beg for them back. I will NOT be that pathetic fuck. I WILL move on, and I WILL stay strong. I refuse to let this rule my life. I refuse to be sad and depressed years from now over someone who is so obviously over me. I refuse to feel obligated to like someone because they like me (not again). I refuse to let myself slip in academic laziness. I refuse to settle, or lower my standards because I feel that I am sub par. Publish

Unsure, unstable

Please, make it stop. This is more than I can handle. Stop clouding me, it have ruined me. Ruined me for others, ruined things for me, ruined, ruined, RUINED. I don't want to be ruined, I want to be ok, I want to know with confidence that I will not break down, I will not freak out. My chest it burns, palpitates, melting within the walls. Yet, I smile, and laugh, the great actress that I am. The truth is, alone, in my car, in the shower, it hits me now and again, rushing, blazing, swallowing me. I fight and I struggle trying to hold back, but I can't. I want to forget that night, I don't want to think about what was said, or how it felt, things that mislead me, leaving me almost completely surprised and crushed.

However, I'm not completely broken, I have good times, I have bright moments, I'm not sad and depressed all the time. I've met some great people, people who make me feel good, make me feel beautiful, which I was sure would not happen again. And of course, there are my friends, which unfortunately I do not get to see as much as I would like. Distractions are welcome, yet I'm not sure if they help. If I'm distracted does it just deter my healing?

Maybe I just need some new companion ship......

A new kind of stuck

I'm stuck, once again. But not the same kind of stuck as before. This is emotional. Mental. Something like that. I am the kind of person who wants to reveal everything all the time. I'm open and I want people to know how I feel. This doesn't mean that I spew my secrets to everyone who walks down the street. When I care for someone I want them to know what I'm thinking, and to know what I'm feeling. Yet, right now, I can't do that. I've been asked (repeatedly) not to do that. So now, after hearing some things that have really upset and made me a vile combination of depression and seething anger, I can't tell them. It kills me to not be able to divulge my feelings, my thoughts, yet at the same time they want me to I was under a certain impression which is now shattered, dismembered on the floor of depression. This popping of my proverbial bubble not only sent me to tears, but made me angry. I was LIED to. I have been being LIED to. It wasn't better, it wasn't different, I wasn't someone special. At least not as they had said, not as I had perceived. So yes, I'm pissed off. I'm hurt behind recognition. The worst part of it all? I don't know how to deal. Is it just time? I've tried time before, and it turns out its wasn't even time at all, I had shoved it aside. How do I know if I'm getting better? I don't know how to fall out of love. Someone please! Tell me how to fall out of love. Cuz this love is suffocating me, immobilizing me, making it so hard to do a god damn thing.

So that's why I'm stuck. I have feelings that I can't tell, and emotions I don't know how to be rid of. No way to move in either direction. Fuck.