It Breaks

My heart. It breaks to think of how you could see another in that way. When all I could do is love you...think only of you, only of us. You were able to divide yourself. An unfinished split down the middle. One half still attach to me. The other to someone else. You were still whole (not quite fully detatched), still with me. But while one eye and 3/4 of your heart lay with me, the other looked around, and outward, you found another to give your attention to.

And now I find myself in tears. Thinking about it. Thinking about what happened. How it happened. Even now I can't seem to think of anyone but you. I try and try and try again. I want to take some of that guilt from you. The guilt for breaking my heart. I know that if I see another in that way it would help you. Make you feel just a little better. A little less guilty. I know this because your human. Everyone always feels a little better when the actions and situations that made them feel guilty are played out with the person who the guilt is for. They too are doing the thing that brought the guilt in the first place. It makes everything a tad easier.

There are so many things within myself that I can't ignore. I can't change the way I feel. I'm looking towards the divine spirit for guidance. I need to know that I'm not crazy.

la tee da

I swear when I set out to right this blog I actually had a topic, and purpose. Hell if I can remember. I suppose it had to do with feelings..It always has to do with feelings.

I hate feelings. Which brings me to some song lyrics.

"Feelings" Offspring
----well after reviewing the lyrics once again...ive realized that's not what i wanted. They were too full of hate for another person. I don't hate them, I hate my feelings. I wish I didn't have some of the one's I feel. They are suffocating me. Normally I wouldn't mind, normally my feelings are tolerable. It just seems that lately there are so many things I wish weren't so. My emotions inhibit me from feeling for others. I'm not sure if I'm supposed to or not. I try. Nothing. Maybe I'm meant to not be able to brush these feelings off. Maybe I'm supposed to have them, they validate my fate. Maybe. I don't know. Shit.

Holy shit

Wow wow wow....I haven't posted in almost a month! I'm super sorry about that, some really emotional times reared their ugly heads. And to tell you the truth...Posting didn't feel like a comfort. It felt like a reminder. Actually, it's reminding me now of things I'd rather not think about. But, alas, maybe it's a good thing.

I know that the very last post I wrote was of happy feelings. Turns out those happy feelings were influenced by someone pretending everything was ok. While I understand the intent, and the idea that they really thought everything was going to be ok, I was very hurt by the deceit. Because, of course, everything was not ok. Infact, everything was very very bad.

On the bright side, from then until now things have improved imensely. I am happier, more motivated, and looking forward with optomism. Although I cannot predict how the future will turn out, I do know that it will be fine. Things happen for a reason. In the end, everything is meant to be. The hardest part are the fine lines. There are so many fine lines, too many that can be broken, bent, and crossed. It's always complicated. GOD how I HATE things being so complicated. I wish it wasn't, but it is. Shit.

Tomorrow's another day with more hope and more love to share.