I'm stuck, once again. But not the same kind of stuck as before. This is emotional. Mental. Something like that. I am the kind of person who wants to reveal everything all the time. I'm open and I want people to know how I feel. This doesn't mean that I spew my secrets to everyone who walks down the street. When I care for someone I want them to know what I'm thinking, and to know what I'm feeling. Yet, right now, I can't do that. I've been asked (repeatedly) not to do that. So now, after hearing some things that have really upset and made me a vile combination of depression and seething anger, I can't tell them. It kills me to not be able to divulge my feelings, my thoughts, yet at the same time they want me to I was under a certain impression which is now shattered, dismembered on the floor of depression. This popping of my proverbial bubble not only sent me to tears, but made me angry. I was LIED to. I have been being LIED to. It wasn't better, it wasn't different, I wasn't someone special. At least not as they had said, not as I had perceived. So yes, I'm pissed off. I'm hurt behind recognition. The worst part of it all? I don't know how to deal. Is it just time? I've tried time before, and it turns out its wasn't even time at all, I had shoved it aside. How do I know if I'm getting better? I don't know how to fall out of love. Someone please! Tell me how to fall out of love. Cuz this love is suffocating me, immobilizing me, making it so hard to do a god damn thing.
So that's why I'm stuck. I have feelings that I can't tell, and emotions I don't know how to be rid of. No way to move in either direction. Fuck.
Thursday, March 08, 2007
A new kind of stuck
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2 comments:
falling out of love takes time dear. and your first love never completely leaves you. like with me, matt just got a myspace...i know this because i periodically search for him...not that i'm still interested in him, but because i'm still not over the hurt completely. so just remember, that its going to take some time and if you ever need to talk i am here. just know that you are desirable, and once you're ready someone awesome will come along.
I wanted to be there for you, I want to be there for you... and although you don't care about me as much as I do about you, and you don't feel the connection to me that I do to you... it doesn't change how I feel.
I look at you and see me a few years ago, which is why I am and have been confident that you will get through this. You'll be ok and you will be better than before. Stronger! Don't give up hope... don't give up on life or love.
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