Drama

Ok, I'll admit it. I'm dramatic. The hard part is that I don't realize I'm being dramatic until it's over. Then I look back and say "What the fuck?" God! I hate that I do that to myself and to her. It is not good for me, I work myself up over stupid shit and send myself in a tizzy. Which of course does not feel good and probably has some sort of lasting mental effect. Geezus. The point is that I need to calm the fuck down and not sweat the small stuff as my mom told me. I know I just upset her and make things worse...

Also, still working on the foot in mouth action. I still haven't mastered that. I tend to say things, then after they are said realize that it is just going to upset her and she is going to think all sorts of bad things, and I of all people DO NOT want that. I guess in the end I will always love her and she will always love me, and I will still be here when she gets home.

Thicker Skin

I've come to terms with things. I finally realize what the fuck my problem is. In 2nd grade I made up my mind that no one will hurt me anymore. I had been tormented long enough. So from there I started growing a thicker skin, building my guard, letting things roll off my back, so to speak. For the next 10 years that skin was my life saver, I relied on it to get me through the week. Then along came a woman, a woman who made me feel good, wonderful. I trust her, I feel beautiful with her, I feel confident. My worries melted away, there was no need for that thick skin, I was safe.

It's not what you're thinking, she did not break my heart. I'm still very much in love and I still feel beautiful, when I'm with her. There in point lies the problem. I feel beautiful and safe, when I'm with her. I was spoiled by her, she thinks I'm beautiful, she thinks I'm desirable and that was all that mattered. Now that we are opening horizons, trying new things, these outside influences take me back to times before my skin thickened. My comfortable bubble was burst. To the world in general, I am not as valued, not as beautiful as my counter part. And the truth is, I knew that, I know that, but for such a long time I was not forced to think about it. I was in a safe and beautiful bubble, our own little world where we were both equal, both beautiful, both desired.

So I get it, I'm fat. Big deal. I am no where near the ideal body type for American women. But it is never more apparent then when I am searching for women to date. Dating is a cruel world, yet an eye opening one. I have never had standards, or preferences. I suppose it's time to realize these things, to know what is appropriate to aim for. I was under the impression that I could get women like the one I now hold close to my heart, unfortunately this isn't true. My woman is a one of a kind, once in a lifetime woman. She is like no other woman out there, accepting, loving, caring.

All this just shows me that I am outside my comfort zone, and that's ok. This will be good for me, for us. I will grow that thicker skin, yet again, and I will find my nitch (sp?), I will create my standards, and I will learn my preferences. All in good time, I will be ok, I can and I will pick myself up.

Ugh

Why do I feel left behind? She hasn't exactly gone anywhere. I'm upset over so many different things. I'm sad because I never wanted to realize how shallow the world is, especially how shallow girls are. I always defended the females, saying they weren't as shallow as men, because they understand more about body image. But I guess I was wrong. I don't like being wrong. HA. It is flattering to know that I can be sexually attractive. But at the same time its demeaning, what am I, a piece of meat? I'll admit it is a little bit of a confidence booster, however when one plan after another is canceled or girls just stop talking to me, it makes me feel like crap. Then when girls flock to her and all want to meet up with her, how am I supposed to feel? I know I shouldn't compare myself, but I do. Its in the girl nature. I'm scared that they will fall for her, I know she won't fall for them, but still... Well, I'm just ranting. I'll be over it soon.