I Refuse

I refuse to be that pathetic fuck. The pathetic fuck who can't seem to let go. I refuse to rush back to them and profess my undying love, and how I miss them, and beg for them back. I will NOT be that pathetic fuck. I WILL move on, and I WILL stay strong. I refuse to let this rule my life. I refuse to be sad and depressed years from now over someone who is so obviously over me. I refuse to feel obligated to like someone because they like me (not again). I refuse to let myself slip in academic laziness. I refuse to settle, or lower my standards because I feel that I am sub par. Publish

Unsure, unstable

Please, make it stop. This is more than I can handle. Stop clouding me, it have ruined me. Ruined me for others, ruined things for me, ruined, ruined, RUINED. I don't want to be ruined, I want to be ok, I want to know with confidence that I will not break down, I will not freak out. My chest it burns, palpitates, melting within the walls. Yet, I smile, and laugh, the great actress that I am. The truth is, alone, in my car, in the shower, it hits me now and again, rushing, blazing, swallowing me. I fight and I struggle trying to hold back, but I can't. I want to forget that night, I don't want to think about what was said, or how it felt, things that mislead me, leaving me almost completely surprised and crushed.

However, I'm not completely broken, I have good times, I have bright moments, I'm not sad and depressed all the time. I've met some great people, people who make me feel good, make me feel beautiful, which I was sure would not happen again. And of course, there are my friends, which unfortunately I do not get to see as much as I would like. Distractions are welcome, yet I'm not sure if they help. If I'm distracted does it just deter my healing?

Maybe I just need some new companion ship......

A new kind of stuck

I'm stuck, once again. But not the same kind of stuck as before. This is emotional. Mental. Something like that. I am the kind of person who wants to reveal everything all the time. I'm open and I want people to know how I feel. This doesn't mean that I spew my secrets to everyone who walks down the street. When I care for someone I want them to know what I'm thinking, and to know what I'm feeling. Yet, right now, I can't do that. I've been asked (repeatedly) not to do that. So now, after hearing some things that have really upset and made me a vile combination of depression and seething anger, I can't tell them. It kills me to not be able to divulge my feelings, my thoughts, yet at the same time they want me to I was under a certain impression which is now shattered, dismembered on the floor of depression. This popping of my proverbial bubble not only sent me to tears, but made me angry. I was LIED to. I have been being LIED to. It wasn't better, it wasn't different, I wasn't someone special. At least not as they had said, not as I had perceived. So yes, I'm pissed off. I'm hurt behind recognition. The worst part of it all? I don't know how to deal. Is it just time? I've tried time before, and it turns out its wasn't even time at all, I had shoved it aside. How do I know if I'm getting better? I don't know how to fall out of love. Someone please! Tell me how to fall out of love. Cuz this love is suffocating me, immobilizing me, making it so hard to do a god damn thing.

So that's why I'm stuck. I have feelings that I can't tell, and emotions I don't know how to be rid of. No way to move in either direction. Fuck.