Good

Things are going good right now. Very very good. Better than most of you know or understand. So just take it as it is. Things are falling into place. I'm happy, healthy, and occupied. So, therefore I'm not sure what to post on. Hahaha, I usually post deep and sometimes saddening things. But not today. Today is good and grand and my life rocks. So there.

That Feeling

First off, let me say that I'm supposed to be doing school work right now. But I really had some stuff on my mind.

You know that feeling you sometimes get, in pit of your stomach or the center of your chest, that twinge that says something like "Hey, this isn't right", "What are they hiding?"or "Hello? Speak up!" Its also the same twinge that occurs when you know something bad, wrong, or troubling is going to happen. Well let it be known I get those twinges at least once a day. And up until a couple months ago I mostly didn't have any right to act on those twinges. Now a certain event has happened given those twinges meaning. Has given them prominence over my common sense. And shit do I hate it. I've been hurt, been hurt pretty fucking bad, and now I'm trying to heal. Well I'm not trying, I am healing. I've gotten all I needed to say out and I'm moving on. Hallelujah. Back to my point. The twinges for a couple months took over my common sense. And they still continue to do so. I find myself jumping to conclusions and being slightly suspicious. Can you blame me? Well, although at this time I can't help but feel sick or dizzy when they talk to her I sincerly plan and hope that those feelings will go away in time. They will receed into the back of my soul as I learn to believe and trust again. I was wounded. As my metaphorical laceration regenerates it's skin and tissue I am forced to wait and become optomistic that it doesn't get infected or ripped open again. I will heal in time. I'm hoping it doesn't take too long.

tum de tum

I have found myself at a calm. Things are falling into place yet again. I'm preparing for stress and being overwhelmed by the upcoming months. Sometimes there are things you just to need to suck up and trudge through, knowing that the end is somewhere in insight, however painful the journey there may be. However, with all the stress to come I am undoubtably calm, waiting for the next good thing to happen. I for see positive and pleasant weeks to come. I hope I'm correct.

understanding

I don't understand. How can you lay there and not even care to know how I feel? Not want to even know why I feel this way? You make me want to regret ever mentioning anything to you...EVER. It tortures me to keep it inside. To not tell you how I feel. I NEED to tell you, I HAVE to. And then I do. I spill my heart to you. And what do I get? Regret. Hot, burning regret. You never wanted to hear that, you didn't want to understand why I cry, why I hurt. You just wanted it to stop. Well guess what? In order for the crying and hurting to stop, I have to tell you. You need to know because if you don't know, then how are you/we supposed to cope? Suppose to heal? There are things that need to be taken off my chest. And I can't tell anyone but you. No one else understands, no one else was there, no one else is even supposed to know. The sad thing is that although you tell me you didn't want to know/hear that, I always feel that deep inside (in a part that even you may not realize on a conscious level) you need to know. What I say may bring on unwanted emotions and thoughts, but I still believe that knowing what I've told you helps. Being ignorant to the emotions of the one you love, I think, can have a devestating effect. (Exhibit A--me and you) I think I can live with not knowing what you think. Well I can live not know EVERYTHING you think. But I can't live not being able to tell you EVERYTHING I think. That's just how it is. There needs to be a comprimise. ASAP.