It's All About Me...well sort of.

And damnit...sometimes it should be all about me. What is the point of life, but to better yourself, and by bettering yourself, bettering others? That was a lot of bettering. Anywho! I got on here to start a new phase in my blogging technique. Hopefully, on to something more positive and light. My past posts have been centered around relationships, girls, losing girls, trying to get girls, being pissed off at girls...etc. I'm tired of whining about what I want, what I didn't get, or who screwed me over this time. I'm sure you all are tired of it to.

So! It will be about me, and no one else, and in some way I hope that reading about me and how I do things, deal with things, and think about things, maybe you can take a piece with you to help you in your own life's ordeals.

I am no expert in life, by any means, yet for as long as I could remember I have had this knowledge that is way beyond my years and experiences. I have been able to give advice in subjects I have not experienced, or giving perspective to situations way beyond my years.

Call it what you want, but I believe I must have had several past lives, to accumulate such a knowledge of how people work. When my sister and I were little, my mother took us to one of her therapy sessions, to just see what the therapist thought of us. According to my mother, when all was said and done the women said, "Brittany seems to be an old soul, but for Kenna it is probably her first time around." Now if you know my sister and I on any level, you can probably see how true this statement is.

I don't equate my knowledge to smarts or intelligence in anyway. I guess I would equate it to intuition. Well, what I am trying to get at, is that I really enjoying helping people. By listening to them, by being that one person who they felt they didn't need to hold back. By giving advice when asked, and always offering a different perspective not previously thought about. I never want to tell any what to do, but rather, asking them the right questions to get them to figure out their own answer. Sometimes its easier to get to a conclusion by not providing answers, but providing questions. So, if you feel like I could be of any help, I implore you to ask away! Poor your heart out, no judgments here. Only understanding and self discovery.

New Horizons

Well for those of you who don't know, I recently found out my lovely ex-thing never loved me. Oh WAIT...correction...was never "in love" with me. Oh gee, that makes it sooo much better. Hooray for feeling like crap. Lucky for me, and lucky for her skinny, crazy, fucking INSANE ass I got over it in about 2 minutes. I don't love you anymore. I haven't for a long ass time. In fact I thought maybe we could be friends again! Guess not. Not that I would even WANT to after that shit. I am completely...flabbergasted (for lack of a better word). All I can do it widen my eyes, raise my eyebrows and shake my head. I can't even fathom how anyone could stay in a relationship for 2 years and 2 months and never have been "in love"! It's just ludicrous! I'm not sad about this anymore. I'm just livid. There is no way any sane person could do that. I've had some people tell me she is lying or she is just confused and doesn't know what she is talking about. Well thanks for the efforts at comforting me...but I doubt either is the case. I think she is being honest (for the first time in a LONG time). And unfortunately for me, it happens to be about me. Well you know what? I can handle this. This will not scar me. I am ready for love. I will not allow this crazy ass bitch to have any fucking influence on how I live and love. I am so strong and so confident that I have gotten past this.

You are in my dust. You cannot even imagine what sort of strength I have. I am loved, and will be loved until the end of time. I do not push people away (or shut them out to begin with)
. I embrace each day with optimism and strive to bring that optimism to others around me. Yes am I tooting my own horn. But GODDESS DAMNIT! I deserve to.

So in conclusion, you are FUCKED UP. I am more than ok and I am ready for something more fulfilling than you ever were.

A couple things

I've noticed a lot of people finding themselves someone. People are falling in love, falling in lust, finding some fun. Now you know me, I tend to be a content person by nature, I don't want to complain, and I really haven't complained in a while. (I mean, look at how long it has been since I wrote a blog!) But seriously...is there something wrong with me? I never seem to get anywhere. Girl after girl, date after date. No one wants anything more than that. I like a girl...I tell her...she likes me too! Now what? Wait, excuse me? You don't want a relationship? Well shit. Back to the beginning. Dead end after dead end. I'm either not relationship material or I end of getting forgotten or ignored all together. So I guess this is my way of saying..."HELLO?!?! I'M RIGHT HERE!" Please tell me WTF is wrong with me...I would really like to know, how it is so easy for everyone else but me?

Ok so I guess that is done. Ranting over, whining over.

Next thing...

Have you ever felt that there was one who got away? I've heard the phrase for all my life. But I've really been thinking about it. I think I may of encountered the one who got away. Someone I could of truly loved. Someone who was not only a friend, but a potential girl friend. However, I shouldn't blame myself for this, because I tried...oh how I tried. She was so resistant, and I didn't want to force it. But honestly...GAH. I can't do it anymore. I gave up, stopped trying...and now it has become clear, she isn't coming back. And there is nothing more I can say then, I think she got away. She is the one that got away. Well, oh well. I'm done. Moving on.

I find it quite appropriate

Today, well you know what today is. Let it be known, this will be the first year I have EVER disliked (well, hated) this day. Some of you may think it shouldn't be a big deal, it's just another day, right? No its not. This day is tainted for me, severely tainted. And I'm going to tell you why.

So this day last year was the last day I felt everything was alright. The last time I saw them. Saw them for what I believed them to be. For what I believed it all to be. Five days went by, five days of doubt, five days of longing, mis-communication, lies.

Five days passed, then my entire world fell away. I wasn't loved. I was no longer wanted.

So excuse me for being a tad bitter today.

I think it is justified.

Yet again

Its about time, once again, to give up. I can't drop anymore hints, and be "topic dodged" again. I like them, they like me. Now what?

This is bullshit. I shouldn't have to deal with this.

I deserve that person who will take the steps with me. Instead of me taking the steps and pulling them forward. I want someone who will try as hard as I do to make something work.

Its a strange pattern that happens. I like a girl, get the balls to tell her, she likes me too, BUT doesn't want a relationship with me. Now what?!

On top of that, I don't wait for these girls, I still date (among other things), and I get flack for having a little fun, putting some new experiences under my belt. But I will NOT wait around while we "crush" on each other. I am a very monogamous person, I will be loyal to the end, but when something isn't going ANYWHERE, no one should expect me to stand still.

I want a relationship, its something I've come to realize in the past couple months. However, I'm not going to settle for just whoever is the first willing to be in a relationship with me.

I have no control of who I "like", I wish I did. Otherwise I would be getting crushes on those who get crushes on me.

Gah.

Goodbye

I really love this song by Daughtry "Over You" I decided to post the lyrics and the song, then explain a little to as of why it works for me. (I've always hated when someone would post lyrics then never explain why they posted it. So here I will actually explain.

Now that it's all said and done,
I can't believe you were the one
To build me up and tear me down,
Like an old abandoned house.
What you said when you left
Just left me cold and out of breath.
I fell too far, was in way too deep.
Guess I let you get the best of me.

I really did let it all get the best of me. I let myself believe the lies I told myself for so very long. They built me up so high, made me feel so sexy, so brilliant, so good, then tore me down with a few thought out words, ("I do not love you as a companion anymore") and lie.

Well, I never saw it coming.
I should've started running
A long, long time ago.
And I never thought I'd doubt you,
I'm better off without you
More than you, more than you know.

I really should of seen this coming. The really sad thing is that I did. I felt it happening, I saw the future, I approached them about it and what happened? I was shot down. Made to believe I was being crazy. Made to feel once again that I was being irrational. They made me feel CRAZY. I am better off with out them. I no longer feel crazy, I no longer feel like I am struggling to pull them out of their shell, pull them to telling me what's inside.

I'm slowly getting closure.
I guess it's really over.
I'm finally getting better.
And now I'm picking up the pieces.
I'm spending all of these years
Putting my heart back together.
Cause the day I thought I'd never get through,
I got over you.

I am over you. Seriously. I have my closure, I have been told a new piece to my tragic story. A piece that I spent time defending. I DEFENDED them. I DEFENDED the person who lied to me, the person who assured me it wasn't "this" way. Oh, but it was. How fucking true that it was. I told so many that it wasn't that way, because they told me it wasn't. But it FUCKING WAS.

You took a hammer to these walls,
Dragged the memories down the hall,
Packed your bags and walked away.
There was nothing I could say.
And when you slammed the front door shut,
A lot of others opened up,
So did my eyes so I could see
That you never were the best for me.

They did destroy me. I let them ruin so many things for way too long. They walked away, and I actually thank them for that. BUT, they should have walked away 2 months earlier. They left, and now I'm free. I have so many doors opened, so many options for my taking. They were never the best for me. They were the best at times, but never the best for me.



Goodbye. I'm over you.

Fucked Up

This is two part blog. First part, my totally fucked up dream. This dream literally made me wake up about to have a panic attack. In my dream she was there. She somehow convince all her "friends" to be part of some sort of experiment. She made them do all sorts of crazy shit like setting this house on fire, and trying to pull it down, something about the pool. Anywho, the point is that all there people were doing things that were dangerous.

So somehow I get it to stop. And as she is leaving I stop her and start yelling. Then somehow she is in my car and im driving and she is in the back seat all nonchalant while I'm screaming my head off. "Are you fucking insane?!?" "What the fuck were you thinking?!?!" "You could of killed someone?!?!" Shit like that.

(Oh wait, before all the craziness I remember talking to my friends and we were saying how the replacement is dressing like a boy now, and being called a boy in public. Which was really really random.)

And then I woke up. All riled up, pissed off, and about to have a panic attack. And I don't get panic attacks. It was seriously fucked up. If you know how to interpret dreams, please tell me.





Part Two:
As I'm sure some of you read. I'm walking away. I like her, alot. But this is too much, too hard. I am here. I am ready, boy am I ready. And yet I sit waiting, wanting. No more. It's my turn to lay back and let someone come to me. If she isn't gonna try neither am I. I know I'm being overshadowed by someone who is more available. Available as in socially available. I'm busy with school and work. And the time that I have she doesn't. I'm monogamous and can't help it. And when I see signs of someone else she likes more, I get discouraged. I'm lame I know. Just wanted to get it out.