My Head

I just had a dream. What was in the dream is not important. But the basic premise of the dream is this;
The ex and I are fighting and yelling the entire dream. Then when something bad happens to me (this is the last few moments of the dream) she takes me in her arms.

Why must u do this to me? WHY? You know what I got to wake up to??? Tears. Hundreds of tears. No one is there to take me in their arms anymore. She isn't there anymore. I don't have my comforter, my strength, my love. FUCK. Get out of my dreams. Get out of my head! You are not helpful. This is not helping. Get out. Get out. GET OUT.

Happy Birthday to Me

So this is it. Finally 21. Damn. You think with my birthday still fresh in my mind I would have happier thoughts. Well I do have happy thoughts, I guess. Well maybe not "happy" but rather, luke warm, placid, nothing particularly sad, yet nothing really all that happy. Content.

Let me tell you a secret. I cried on my birthday. Yes it's true, on the drive home from a most glorious afternoon with my starshine, I cried. Pathetic, I know. All I could think was, I should of been spending this day with her, seeing that amazing show with her, ordering my first drink with her. FUCK. Fuck it all to hell. I wanted to be happy on my birthday...and I was, for a little while. It was great, and it was fun, and I got to spend it with an awesome person, but I couldn't help but yearn for something familiar, something comforting. Of course it had to be her.

2 years addicted to this drug, intertwined with this person, then one night POOF. Gone, forever. Now what?! I was under that spell, that drug pulsing through my veins, then cold turkey. What do you expect me to do? I'm going through withdrawls, something I never thought would happen to me. And the other night? Oh the other night. It was a relapse...I was near her again, I saw her again, in the flesh, that drug I had been addicted to for over 2 years. WAM! Relapse. Right there.

Fuck you, Brittany. How could you let it effect you? You are stronger than this. You know she doesn't want you, and you KNOW she doesn't love you, get over it. Get over HER.

Please don't expect me to be ok. Please don't expect me to censor myself. Because I won't. And I REFUSE. I am who I am, take it or leave it. If you can't handle this censor yourself. Because I will not do it for you.